Wolves among sheep
Alert: If you have a personality disorder or mental illness of your own you may not want to read on. This an account of my relationship with a mentally disordered person and isn’t very pretty.
By far the abuse that affected me the most in my life came from one the most unsuspecting of places. It was an unfulfilled promise of love, compassion, and companionship from a long time friend. Apart form sending me into a deep depression and adding symptoms of post traumatic stress to my abundant issues, it also damaged my innocence and faith in humanity. I’d always assumed that compassion was a trait of all mankind. I assumed people were around for support, to protect, and to lift you up when you are down. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Some prefer to keep you down.
I got involved with my ex girlfriend, like many others, because the environment she is in often creates the illusion that she needs to be rescued. Indeed she does need help, but most of her conflicts are of her own doing. The first red flag that something was seriously wrong was the pathological lying. She lied about anything and everything even if it defied all logic. The second red flag was that she made a habit of sexually harassing men and setting them up to be hurt. She strategically and purposefully set men against each other and would sit back to watch the chaos ensue. She lied to and about those she proclaimed friends and abused them. I watched her repeatedly berate and belittle one of them in public, telling everyone he was a liar and that he was ugly, and that she “hated his face.” She often told others that I abused her and that I was paranoid. She called all her friends liars behind their backs. The biggest red flag of all was that not once in five years did I ever see her experience guilt or compassion for another human being. There was none.
It went against my better judgment, but I thought I could help her break this never ending cycle. At the surface it appeared that I did. She got new employment and earned a degree. For the most part she toned down the behavior of manipulating men, and she started treating her mother with respect and had a relationship with her family. She didn’t, however, stop looking for new ways to cause people discomfort and pain or new ways to manipulate me. She never stopped lying, she never stopped being abusive, and she never developed a conscience. She just took it from being public and directed it at me privately and covertly. The psychological warfare she used seemed endless and it kept me down, powerless, and isolated. She’d smear my reputation, endanger my job, and constantly violate my rights and privacy. I was literally held hostage on many occasions and not allowed to leave, with a fear that calling the cops would result in false accusations of a beating. She’d block the door, or my car, or lay in the street or cling to my hood. Leaving wasn’t an option, especially with my own guilt involved and used as a weapon.
She intentionally lied to cause pain, and was certain to make sure that I never trusted her and that I’d always be worried about infidelity. What I initially thought was a bad liar was a person who actually wanted to make me think she was cheating. Sexual frustration was one of her favorite tools. She’d been known to seduce men, even me, with a promise for more and then refuse. She’d use it as an excuse to make men think they only thought of sex and that they were pushing or forcing sex on her, but it was deliberate act meant to confuse and confound people. She had no qualms about promising marriage or proclaiming love if it would allow her to get something she wanted. She was a bully who never compromised, and made her way through life with threats and intimidation. When I finally told her how I saw it, she admitted that she didn’t enjoy herself unless she was screwing somebody over. She creates problems, and projects the blame.
Eventually I came to the conclusion that someone with such severe mental problems can only help themselves and moved on. Nobody’s going to change if they are happy the way they are and see nothing wrong with what they are doing. Besides, there comes a time when you’ve exhausted all resources and you have to start taking care of yourself. I started doing research and eventually found some support groups for people like me. Before I reached that place I just found her behavior bizarre and unexplainable, but afterwards I found a plethora of people who had experienced the exact same things. The lying, the chaos, the manipulation, were all forms of narcissistic abuse and was more common than I had ever realized. I was not crazy or paranoid, and I was no longer alone. Despite what others may say, being mentally ill shouldn’t give you a free pass to wreak havoc on those around you and be abusive. Its okay to feel bad.
I was disappointed she made so little progress in our relationship, but even more distressed to see the turn her life took after we went our separate ways. Her new partner encouraged self harm like it was a sexual game. She became pregnant not long after and touted on the internet that it was experiment and that she hated children and intended to use it as a slave. She never found employment, and had the baby in a bathtub alone with no medical supervision. She gave the baby seven ridiculous names, and touts that she will never be allowed to call her “mother.” Despite the outrageous outbursts she garnered much support from the internet and those around her who seemed not to question the bizarre behavior, or the complete lack of concern for anybody involved but herself. They tend to make excuses instead, denying and rationalizing, until things get completely out of control.
Not long after, she was temporarily placed in a mental institution after her ego got a little out of hand. She decided all the medical needs of the family would be taken on by her, including performing surgeries. Her fiancé high tailed it with the baby after she decided she was going to perform a vasectomy on him against his will. Soon after CPS swooped in and took the baby and thats about where the story ends. I have no doubts that shes more interested in going out and partying and clubbing and proud of herself that she is still able to cause so much difficulty in others peoples lives. Rumor has it they are going to give it another go. I hope they learn to set limits and boundaries for everybody’s sake, because despite her sadistic urges, she could certainly use a stable force in her life. She wasn’t that delusional before. Regardless, it is not possible to form a healthy relationship with a person when love is not involved. Anything else is a lie.
Eventually, I found my peace and forgave her despite her not being sorry. I’m reluctant to talk about the pain it caused because I know somewhere inside she’d delight in knowing that she damaged me, and I remember how angry forgiveness made her. She doesn’t want you to get over it, after all. Love and compassion just seem to bring out the worst of the defenses of whatever disorder she may have. She wears the mask of sanity, and any attempt to remove it results in another enemy thats deserving of much punishment. I do not regret trying, though. As futile as it was, I did my best and I hope she finds peace as I did.
Filed Under Abuse, Drama, Personality Disorders | 7 Comments
Isolation
My heart dreams of being far from society. I dream about being far away from stress, worries, responsibilities, bills, landlords, and neighbors. I’d trade my last dime, my computer, and even my Playstation 3 to be far away from this rat race that everyone else participates in. There is little I’d miss about society, and thats an extreme understatement. I suppose this attests to a narcissistic nature about me, but I’d have no reservations about leaving life or family behind. Its always been my desire to escape it all. I don’t see starving to death in a freezing cabin out the woods any less desirable to the world I live in now.
Subconsciously, I think it goes even deeper. It’s most likely my emotions that I seek to escape. I resent the world around me for constantly putting me in a position where I have to face those feelings, when what I desire is to feel nothing at all. Emotions feel like death, which is why my mind has mastered the art of rarely feeling anything at all. If I’m a schizoid, then that is the sole purpose of my disorder. Most of all its myself that I wish to escape, but as the saying goes; Wherever you go, there you are.
So is healing possible? How do you overcome something when your entire character has been designed to prevent it? Everything required to get better is everything I seek strongly to avoid. All I have is the insight to recognize the damage and a desire to not be outsmarted by my own mind. Other than that, I’m basically fighting a battle to gain something I don’t really want at all. What I want is to just fade away. What I don’t want it to open up and let people in. I don’t even know what is that keeps me going, but I’m glad its there nonetheless.
So am I on the path of healing, or trapped in a swamp of self pity? I can never tell the difference.
Filed Under Depression, Schizoid | 5 Comments
Fun with Labels
I’ve always known I was different, but I never knew how or why until a year or so ago. It’s quite a tale how I got to that point and it would almost require writing a novel to explain it. I met a girl, and fell for said girl, and it turned into a disastrous five year involuntary lesson in personality disorders, psychopathic tendencies, and abnormal psychology. Does she have a histrionic disorder, the narcissistic one, or a borderline personality disorder? She might have them all, or she may have simply been a sociopath. Trying to bring her back to reality resulted in me sinking deeper and deeper until I found myself questioning my own sanity. It sucked.
Its amazing what the mind is capable of when it feels the need to keep events from your awareness. It’s amazing how hitting rock bottom can interfere with that. I started recognizing that maybe my childhood wasn’t quite normal and that maybe I didn’t grow up being tougher and smarter for it. In fact I may have been damaged. I didn’t go to the psychiatrist for my own benefit, as it usually goes with personality disorders, but I couldn’t help but ask what might be going on with me. After he described it as being consistent with depression I began filling him in with everything odd about me. Its ironic that I had obsessively invested so many years studying personality disorders and skipped over the one that might apply to me. He started giving me the standard clinical interview from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for a Schizoid personality disorder and I’m fairly certain I didn’t do well on it. Thinking back I can see my childhood dream was to just get away from everybody and apparantly I’ve done a fine job of taking that to an extreme. I think my inner child and I are about to go to war.
Filed Under Personality Disorders, Psychology, Schizoid | 4 Comments