Isolation
My heart dreams of being far from society. I dream about being far away from stress, worries, responsibilities, bills, landlords, and neighbors. I’d trade my last dime, my computer, and even my Playstation 3 to be far away from this rat race that everyone else participates in. There is little I’d miss about society, and thats an extreme understatement. I suppose this attests to a narcissistic nature about me, but I’d have no reservations about leaving life or family behind. Its always been my desire to escape it all. I don’t see starving to death in a freezing cabin out the woods any less desirable to the world I live in now.
Subconsciously, I think it goes even deeper. It’s most likely my emotions that I seek to escape. I resent the world around me for constantly putting me in a position where I have to face those feelings, when what I desire is to feel nothing at all. Emotions feel like death, which is why my mind has mastered the art of rarely feeling anything at all. If I’m a schizoid, then that is the sole purpose of my disorder. Most of all its myself that I wish to escape, but as the saying goes; Wherever you go, there you are.
So is healing possible? How do you overcome something when your entire character has been designed to prevent it? Everything required to get better is everything I seek strongly to avoid. All I have is the insight to recognize the damage and a desire to not be outsmarted by my own mind. Other than that, I’m basically fighting a battle to gain something I don’t really want at all. What I want is to just fade away. What I don’t want it to open up and let people in. I don’t even know what is that keeps me going, but I’m glad its there nonetheless.
So am I on the path of healing, or trapped in a swamp of self pity? I can never tell the difference.
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5 Responses to “Isolation”
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Maybe you just need a break. It sounds like you’ve been emotionally and psychologically wrecked. That takes longer to heal from than we realize.
I feel like I’m just regaining my balance and it’s been two years.
You have a desire to understand your mind and a strength to keep going. Those are two very positive characteristics.
I can tell you that healing is definitely possible. The journey can be arduous but it is worth it in the end because you will have a kind of peace with yourself and the world that you can’t even imagine right now.
I think you are certainly on a healing path. Keep writing and reaching out. It will help!
Thanks for the comments!
GentlePath,
It seems like I’ve been on a permanent break for most of my life. I don’t get out much these days, so I don’t know what I’d be taking a break from. Thanks for the advice. I probably most definately could use a constructive hobby to take my mind off things once in a while. I have been wrecked, so I could do better at allowing myself time to heal. I just want all the healing now with putting any effort into it. =)
Tamara,
Thanks for your support. Its always really helpful to get reminded that there’s something I’m working for even though I can’t always see it. You’re right that I can’t even imagine peace, but I’ve done well in finding people that do and believing in it.
If you need a time-out from your emotions and are feeling depressed, you may want to consider an anti-depressive (short-term - just a couple of months). Might numb you out enough to miss those emotions and want to feel them again. Or you might just get annoyed that you can’t ever orgasm. One or the other, lol.
@wecanmakeitthroughthis
I might give antidepressants a try some day when I can afford it. It could be helpful in determining what issues I might be dealing with. I”m reluctant though because in my situation, I think there’s an underlying cause for everything and I want to be sure to make dealing with that is my priority.