Harm’s Way
I have reluctantly been sucked back into the the psychodrama of my ex-girlfriend’s life. Several years ago I made the decision that I couldn’t help her and I chose to remove myself from her life so that I could take better care of myself. Turning your back on somebody who needs help so badly isn’t easy, but for my own sanity I had to remove all the unhealthy relationships from my life and focus on more rewarding friendships. I’m not a doctor so I’m not qualified to diagnose my ex-girlfriend, but it often seemed as though she had a conglomeration of many traits of many personality disorders. On my more angry days I often think of her as a psychopath that is devoid of empathy and compassion. The relationship was a five year hell in which I gave my all to fight for her recovery and received not one single drop of love in return. I was abused, deceived, manipulated, bullied, and had my reputation tarnished by an onslaught of false accusations.
When people bought into her lies I found it hurtful, and its been haunting me for a long time. It looks like I may finally have a chance for some closure. Her madness didn’t end with me and history is repeating itself. People are now recognizing what I knew to be true long ago and some apologies have come my way. She’s very ill, and its not because I didn’t love her enough. I gave it everything I had.
“No Contact” has served me well, but I’ve taken steps that have brought me once again closer to the chaos. It starts with a statement, but who knows how far I might get pulled in. Its for a good cause, and hopefully to the benefit of those in her life who are the new targets of her grandiose self such as her newborn daughter. It’d be nice to participate in any events that might break one of those cycles of abuse passed on from generation to generation, but I could live without the thought I might be putting myself back in harms way.
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Boy can I relate to being sucked back in — despite having a no contact policy.
Betrayal Bonds by Patrick Carnes might be helpful to you. It doesn’t fix anything but it helped me make sense of what seemed to be weak and stupid behavior on my part. And actually, it did help to fix some of the shame that comes from repeatedly and inexplicably putting your hand on a hot stove — again and again and again.
Thanks for the comment! I did have a serious problem with putting myself in situations that were unhealthy for me. I also apparently didn’t care about myself enough to get out of that abusive relationship and stayed way too long, but I managed to overcome it and surround myself with better people. I expect better for myself now, which I didn’t before.