Black dogs and thick fogs
The trauma of my last relationship landed me in a psychiatrist’s office looking for answers to my ex-girlfriends bizarre behavior, but it also led me to answers about myself I wasn’t exactly looking or asking for. He emphasized the word “major” and somewhere else in the sentence he said depression. That’s the point I began arguing with him. “But I’m not sad,” I exclaimed!
It turns out depression isn’t always about being sad. It explains isolation and a lack of energy. It explains the inability to find enjoyment in things you once found enjoyable. It explains the lack of desire to socialize and make new friends. It explains a lot of things, but does it explain me? I wasn’t so sure and after the argument he wasn’t either. Is it possible to be depressed the majority of your life and not even know it? He offered me pills and I offered more arguments. Is that a label, or is it a symptom of something more?
I guess I don’t know a thing about depression, but I do know a thing or two about anhedonia. Anhedonia is the inability to experience pleasure from otherwise pleasurable life events, and I seem to have a severe case that I’ve been carrying around for a very long time. Its feels a bit like living in an empty shell watching the world pass you by. Its a key symptom of depression along with a myriad of other mood and schizophrenic disorders, and even some of the personality disorders.
Nothing irks me more than the people who cross my path and tell me to smile or mention that I should be happy and tell me to cheer up. If only I had known it was so simple. If only I had known that mental disorders are a thing that you can simply will yourself out of if only you’d try. To think I could wake from this dream if only I thought to do so. No, overcoming things is neither simple or fast, but I wont let it stop me from finding a way out. Not a day goes by that I don’t remember that on the other side of where I’m at I’ve been promised moonbeams and rainbows. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I was different or normal. I’m never not thinking about how I got here or why I remain.
A lot of people think its the rainbows I fear, but its not. Its the trail of dark shadows that block my path and stand between me and what I desire. Not many people understand that, and I wouldn’t bother explaining it to them. I’d rather offer cryptic tidbits. I don’t need their judgments or the stigma that comes along with the explanation. Like my ex, I don’t want people turning their heads sideways and looking at me like I’m some kind of psychopath.
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[...] with “it” Published July 18, 2008 Bloggers , Depression My newest bud, The Stranger, is struggling with depression, especially the stigma attached. Acceptance is different for [...]
i am here via cracked head… welcome to the world of all things blog… you will find out quickly that you are not alone..
You would think by this day and age that the stigma associated with mental health would be almost nonexistent but if anything it is stronger then ever. All we can do is offer up our stories and hope that people will see through the diagnosis and focus on the people who are in pain. Take care
“Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I was different or normal.”
Same here.
Wow, I’m getting lots of comments.
Paisley, thanks for stopping by! I’m finding plenty of people out there that I have things in common with so I don’t feel to alone or different.
Untreatable, thanks! I’ll always hope people can see past the labels and see the person. I’m as guilty as some others in not doing that though but I try. It just seems people don’t know if they haven’t experienced it first hand.
Marissa, I’m sure you’ve heard it before just like me, but there probably really is no normal. There’s still plenty of people out there I don’t want to be like at all.
“Nothing irks me more than the people who cross my path and tell me to smile or mention that I should be happy and tell me to cheer up. If only I had known it was so simple.”
GGGRRRR!!! This really gets to me, too. I had never heard of anhedonia but now I have to go look it up because I swear that is how I feel.
Tamara,
Well, anhedonia might just be fancy word for depression. I think most people who are dealing with depression are also dealing with it. It a symptom of depression. I think I used the word a lot because I identify with it more than depression. I’m still coming to terms with the doc telling me I’m dealing with it… I have quite a bit to learn about depression.